Uncharted 2 Stats Card by JAKPRO.net - RESURGENTCAESER

Sunday, January 20, 2008

Kingdom Under Fire CIRCLE OF DOOOM!!...or soft core elf porn


I'm guessing that the KUF franchise was dreamed up by a bunch of D&D nerds at one of their nightly matches in a mother's broken heart...sorry I meant basement.

When I first started the demo I noticed a flashing choice saying prologue...and being the stupid ass I am, clicked it. What happened next was a boring, slow scrolling WALL OF FUCKING TEXT!!!! like a paraplegic turtle the story of the nibblets lord of something and casbola, lord of something else was told to me in crappy small font only an wide screen HDTV can display (Because everyone has a HDTV...right?).

So after exiting right around the part were nibblets found out he was pregnant or something I began the game proper. I was taken to a character selection screen, were I immediately tried to select the scantily clad female character and put her in compromising positions -only to learn she is only available in the full game...smart bastards...

So with my dream of sexy elf's who should have a clothing malfunction every time they breathe due to lack of covering material swept away I decided to actually try to play the game. I decided to go with a generic badass looking knight equipped with standard badass giant sword.

One thing KUF has going for it is it's bitchin graphics, the game looks nice...that's about it. I found myself in a beautiful field of flowers, in a beautiful forest...surrounded by what could only be described as retarded rabid midget wolf imps. Yes you read that correct, the fate of the world is threatened by packs of
rabid midget retarded wolf imps that come big or small.

So 6 minutes in and I've killed my millionth
rabid midget retarded wolf imp, do I get a prize...besides 15 gold dropped? They should really just call this DYNASTY WARRIORS D&D version. The battles become so repetitive that by my second encounter I actually just had the 40 character deep rabid pack chase me while I put on the Benny hill theme(yakety sax) and laughed at my pitiful existence.

KUF!! is really for the masochist gamer (because you have to hate yourself or love pain to play this) or the autistic gamer who has to have a million collectibles and a deep, boring unoriginal story, which only people 5 people (I did the math) will like. I must say however it's a great tedious slash, collect fest.




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